By GARY BARKER
Blast San Francisco Bureau
As any scraggly backwoods yokel or random militiaman or senator will
be happy to tell you, the Internet is chock-full of all sorts of hush-hush
stuff and probably ought to be shut down or blown up (the sooner the better).
Whether the secret is something worrisome in your P-TRAK file at
Lexis-Nexis or the
secret story of how Martians left Mars and migrated to earth, you can bet your appendage
choice that the secret has been revealed on the Internet somewhere.
frankly, you're doomed.
People on the Internet just can't keep secrets. They're like those
dolls where water goes in the mouth and exits elsewhere immediately
thereafter -- Netizens are nothing more than conduits for partially
digested confidential information. If you search online for "top
or "don't tell anybody" or "confidential," you'll have at your
a wealth of information you have no right to see, and shame on you
even thinking about it.
But some secrets are baffling even after you know them.
It's not particularly useful to read in the Confidential Guild
file for some guy
Aeric that, "Aeric's adaptation left him with no obvious loss of
except for a reduction in the sense of smell."
I'd recommend he cut back on the adaptation schtick and stop to smell
roses, but, well... bummer, Aeric.
And thanks to the custodian of a document available at
http://www.ftaent.com/emit%20file.htm, it's no longer much of a
that "Kemuri mysteriously disappeared in Earth Year 1997" -- though
phrasing things that way implies Kemuri was maybe from another
Brrrr. Spooky, huh?
[If you've got $4,505 burning a hole in your pocket, you could do
than to buy the complete CIA Research Reports collection] at
http://gopher.upapubs.com:70/0/upa/171 -- though well-dressed men in
Ray-Bans will beat you up if you try.
The WWW Confidential Informant site at
has such top-secret stuff as OJ Simpson's post-arrest mugshot and a
sample of a police siren. Yes, it's the same Simpson photo that graced
covers of Time and Newsweek, so it's rare and valuable and you've
never seen it before.
For those of you who don't know how to behave in the presence of
information, there's an extremely helpful 10-step guide available
Follow this instructions!
- Do not eat or drink any food!
- Close your eyes! Secret radiation!
- Do not breath!
- Forget all after leaving this sector!
- Do not say anything to your mum!
- Destroy your clothes after leaving! Ultra invisible secret dust!
- Do not copy!
- Touch your screen for grease-spots!
- Sorry! Do not read this instructions! Very very secret!
- Click here for entering!
For those who are determined to learn all the secrets available out
it's not just general behavior that matters. It's important to know
Just so you understand how the Intelligence community operates: The
intrigue food chain works its way down from the Trilateral Commission
the Bavarian Illuminati, through the chief of the CIA, through
federales, through local law enforcement officials, through Avon
and the PTA, through everyone who knows the basics of HTML, and
through disgruntled office workers and police basic training screwups
buy their paranoia and mayhem accessories from NIC Law Enforcement
When NIC sells coffee mugs and file folders, they are deadly serious
the products' secretive mystique: "Protect your valuable documents
our SECURITY FILE FOLDERS! Each folder has been designed to command
immediate respect," NIC reveals. The folders are available in a
designs, but the best one says "WARNING: SPECIAL ACCESS REQUIRED TOP
SECRET," with TOP SECRET in huge letters and the whole enchilada
emblazoned with a striped red border.
As you continue your top secret shopping spree at NIC, be sure to buy
least one DEA Jungle Ops patch ($4.95). It's a fashion forecast --
everyone will be wearing them next year, along with Stasi uniforms
visor hats ($45 for both). Or buy the CIA Duluxe Collectors Set
stickers, a coffee mug, a keychain, and more) for $54.
But do me a favor, okay? Don't tell them I sent you.