WHAT'S A REAL SNOWGLOBE? CONTROVERSY BRINGS WORLD TO BRINK OF NUCLEAR WAR

Snowglobe collectors Gordon Ung and Wylie Wong are currently duking it out over who has the most snowglobes. Wylie recently received two globes as gifts, one a snowglobe wristwatch and the other a McDonald's 101 Dalmatians globe. He wanted them counted as part of his collection. Gordon resisted, saying they weren't real globes. Their amused friends and colleagues watched on as the pair argued. Here now is an e-mail thread of the argument that ensued.

Written by Gordon Ung, Wylie Wong and Willy Morris.

By GORDON MAH UNG
Staff writer

SACRAMENTO -- Christmas Eve legislation signed by Gov. Wilson will drastically alter the ability of snow globe collectors to count odd objects as full points.

The emergency legislative act was in response to collectors applying odd-shaped snow globes, or flake-filled translucent objects, as official collector objects.

"This stops people from trying to count wristwatches, fast food toys and milk jugs filled with water and coconut shavings as 'snow globes,'" said Steve Telliano, a spokesman for the California governor. "For too long, people have abused the law. This puts an end to that."

The law, designed to be retroactive up to three months, has far reaching implications. Other states are considering cloning the California law and Congress is considering a federal version preventing the counting of such things as prescription bottles with flakes of dirt as snowglobes.

"These aggressive acts must stop," said a drooling Sen. Jesse Helms, R-N.C. "Am I a nit wit or what? These acts and globes are clearly Communist subversive agents working against the United States."

By WYLIE WONG
Staff writer

SACRAMENTO -- Six thousand angry snowglobe collectors stormed the state Capitol Thursday afternoon, denouncing what they called a conservative law regulating snowglobe collecting.

The throng of snowglobe zealots screamed, "Snowglobe collectors united, will never be divided," and "What do we want? Just ice! When do we want it? S-now!" as they threw ice cubes and water at hundreds of Sacramento police officers, trying to hold them back.

More than 200 protesters were arrested for trespassing and were released, police said.

Gov. Wilson on Tuesday night signed legislation that reduced the numbers of snowglobes that would be counted as full points. The Americans Concerned with Lame Un-coolness (ACLU) immediately filed a lawsuit to block the new legislation from taking affect.

"This... law.... attempts to... curtail... the basic... freedoms of human... beings," said ACLU lawyer James T. Kirk. "It's racism at its worst. We believe all snowglobes -- city snowglobes, watch snowglobes, McDonald's snowglobes -- are all created equal. Can't we (just) get along?"

Gov. Wilson could not be reached for comment Thursday.

By GORDON MAH UNG
Times Foreign Correspondent

MOSCOW -- Russian Prime Minister Boris Yeltsin broke a medically imposed silence Thursday and threatened nuclear holocaust against foreign snowglobe collectors if they continued to push for "absurd" toys to be counted as snow globes.

"These fascist actions must be stopped before they cross the international lines," Yeltsin said through a translator. "It is absurd to consider a toy that you get at a Taco Bell drive through to be considered a snowglobe."

Yeltsin, appearing groggy from his recent heart surgery, ordered his military advisors to prepare an all-out nuclear first strike and gave Friday as his deadline for the aggressive acts to stop.

Yeltsin's actions, bringing the world to the brink of nuclear war, was spurred by American snowglobe collectors who have been pushing for reforms that would allow toys to be counted as official snowglobes.

The leader of the movement, Wylie Wong, could not be reached by the Times late Thursday. Yeltsin, appearing strong and confident, lashed out at the movement.

"We will bury you," Yeltsin said quoting the famous lines of Nikita Khruschev. "And then we will consolidate your snowglobe collection with ours."

Khruschev, known to have been an avid snowglobe collector since a child, and American President John F. Kennedy brought the world to the brink of destruction during the Cuban Snowglobe Crisis in October of 1962.

While most of the world has believed the "ten days in October" originated with the presence of Russian missiles on Cuban soil, it was revealed in Khruschev's biography, "All I Ever Wanted Was a Snow Globe, and other musings of former despot Nikita Khruschev," that the crisis started when Fidel Castro tried to count his Jack in the Box snowglobes as truly collectible items.

President Bill Clinton said the United States would not tolerate the use of Russian nuclear weapons on American soil and vowed a full retaliatory strike.

Clinton, who ordered the nation's armed forces to set DEFCON4 on Thursday evening, blamed a Republican-controlled Congress for perpetuating the famed "Globe Gap."

"I will not tolerate any Russian nukes in my backyard," Clinton said. The aircraft carriers Enterprise, Nimitz and Ronald Reagan were ordered to close on the Russian states.

By WILLY MORRIS
Staff writer

THE HAGUE -- NATO commanders today called an emergency session to search for solutions to the snowglobe controversy between the United States and Russia that has threatened to plunge the world into nuclear war.

Meanwhile, notorious snowglobe collector Wylie Wong issued a statement demanding that the superpowers immediately launch a first strike at the other.

"This will produce the world's largest snowglobe and be the crowning addition to my collection," the self-centered recluse said. "Simultaneous nuclear attacks would almost certainly trigger a nuclear winter and turn the earth into one huge snowglobe. I can't wait."

Nuclear winter is a phenomenon predicted by the late Carl Sagan and other noted scientists in which the devastation of a nuclear war sends so much dust and debris into the atmosphere that the earth is effectively shielded from the sun, plunging the world into perpetual winter.

This would wipe out much of the world's agricultural production and kill more than a billion people worldwide, scientists predict.

Wong, who has built a palatial bunker stocked with enough food for 20 years, said he was unconcerned about the effect nuclear winter would have on others.

"If they are too weak or too poor to take care of themselves, then why should I care?" Wong said. "Snowglobes are my life, and this is my one chance to achieve the ultimate in snowglobe collecting. 'Snowglobes R Us' may even feature me in their January edition."

American President Bill Clinton and Russian President Boris Yeltsin issued an unprecedented joint statement decrying the callousness of Wong's views and pledging to find a peaceful solution to the snowglobe crisis.

The United States and Russia disagree on whether cheaply made plastic devices given away as prizes by fast food restaurants should be counted as snowglobes.

In the past Clinton has sided with Wong, supporting legislation that would designate these cheap imitations as snowglobes. But Yeltsin has supported the position of Wong's rival, Gordon Ung, that such items should be banned because they are a plague on the world of snowglobing.

In a statement issued Friday, Ung said Wong's recent statements give further proof that his position is morally bankrupt and indefensible.

"Snowglobes are my life, but I would never endanger others in my pursuit of nirvana," Ung said. "Only a fiend of gigantic proportions could consider such a thing. World leaders should make it clear that the earth itself can never be considered a snowglobe. This would prevent Wong from pursuing his dastardly plan."

(written by Wylie Wong)

Associated Press

REDMOND, Wash. -- Russian Prime Minister Boris Yeltsin backed down from his threats of nuclear armageddon late Friday afternoon after Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, owner of 92 percent of the world snowglobes, threatened to pull a $75 billion investment out of the poverty-stricken country.

Yeltsin admitted in a hastily called press conference at the Kremlin Friday afternoon that he was merely bluffing in his threats of a nuclear strike against the United States.

"Hell, burying your country is not worth losing the 75 big ones," said Yeltsin, appearing stiff and a bit constipated after his recent heart surgery. "Since the U.S.S.R. disbanded, who the fuck really knows who controls our nukes?"

Gates, appearing live in the MSNBC studios, said he agreed with snowglobe advocate Wylie Wong that all snowglobes should be counted the same, no matter what race, color, make, model, shape or creed. He made the threats against Yeltsin shortly after consulting with Wong and other snowglobe rights activists.

"A snowglobe purchased at McDonald is the same thing as a snowglobe purchased at Sea-Tac Airport," said Gates, widely-known as the most powerful man in the world. "I mean, I think the Netscape web browser is shit, but it's still a web browser, right? The same reasoning applies with snowglobes. A snowglobe is a snowglobe is a snowglobe."

Market analysts said Gates' decision was not driven by ideology, but by money.

"He owns 92 percent of the snowglobe market, but most of them are from fast food joints and what-not," said David Santos, a snowglobe analyst for Merrill Lynch. "If the Republican-led legislation were to become law, his market share would have plummeted to less than 7 percent. Apple Computer would have taken over the market."

In the meantime, American President Bill Clinton has declared a national state of emergency as thousands of pro-choice snowglobe advocates clashed with anti snowglobe activists in city streets throughout the country.

"We believe in the right to choose," said Shawna McCoy, president of the Snowglobe National Organization of Women (SNOW).

(written by Gordon Mah Ung)

By JANET COOK
Of the Sno Globes R Us Staff

At the age of 12, when he should be dreaming of Power Rangers and Buzz Lightyear, Jimmy's nights were filled with darker dreams.

Dreams of a concave, oval and square shaped snow globes. Snow globes shaped like fish tanks and snow globes sculpted into Ronald Reagan's head.

"I admit it, I've got a snow globe jones," Jimmy says without a trace of regret in his tiny voice.

Jimmy grew up a poor child in the ghettos of Blackhawk. Unable to keep more than $50,000 in his trust fund, Jimmy turned to snowglobes before he could walk, before he could even talk.

"I got my first snowglobe from this guy named Wylie Wong. He said it would be okay. It's just a 101 Dalmatians snow globe. Then he gave me a snow globe watch. It just spiraled down from there."

"I ain't never given no globes to no children. I may push globes, but only for mature audience," Wong said in a phone interview from his secret bunker in Montana. "It's all a lie. That kid's probably just a composite anyway."