TV COLUMN By JASON W. LLOREN
Blast San Francisco Bureau

The fall season is back and it couldn't have come back at a finer time. After a summer of crappy, mindless entertainment that costs $7.50 a pop, it's time to settle down in our favorite couch to enjoy crappy, mindless entertainment that's FREE.

The main networks - ABC, CBS, NBC, UPN and WB - and the myriad cable channels have introduced dozens of new shows to help you forget that "Seinfeld" has signed off the air for good (Eternity in syndication doesn't count). But after a quick taste of the new slate of programs, it's sad to report there is nothing that comes close to matching "Seinfeld's" high quotient of entertainment (Then again, when that show first hit the airwaves, it flopped around like a goldfish out of the tank). There are a few old reliables from seasons past and a handful of rookies that are worth flipping the TV "on" switch for. Here's a quick look at some of the standout shows and certain flops:

MONDAY: Basically, this is a night catch up on your reading. On UPN at 9:00 p.m., there's the controversial new show "The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer," about a black butler who serves an oversexed Abe Lincoln and a horny Mary Todd. It's complete zaniness set during the Civil War era, which sounds about as funny as a sitcom set during Nazi Germany ("Hogan's Heroes" notwithstanding). This show is lame - lots of failed jokes about cross-dressing and anti-Negro prejudice -- so skip it. Š If by misfortune you happen to catch an episode of "Pfeiffer," you can redeem yourself by catching "Will & Grace" on NBC at 9:30 p.m., a smart, funny sitcom about a platonic couple sharing an apartment (he's gay, she's straight). The characters are refreshing and fun to watch, and the dialogue is witty and reminiscent of old screwball comedies. Š As for returning shows, there's Fox's "Ally McBeal" (9 p.m.) and CBS's "Everybody Loves Raymond" (9 p.m.). Well, to hell with Ally and screw Raymond. Never liked them, never loved them, never will.

TUESDAY: This is a heavy night of TV watching which only the VCR can rescue you from. First off, Fox decided the returning "King of the Hill" (8:30 p.m.) would place strong against the third-season veteran "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB, 8 p.m.). Buffy is gorgeous and has cool friends; she uses kung fu and sarcasm to slay the bad guys, which also includes mummies, zombies, demons, and robot step-dads. The show is funny, fast, clever and right as rain when it comes to portraying high school as hell. On the other hand, Hank Hill possesses an incredible knowledge about propane, and has a narrow urethra. His friends are paranoid, depressing honkies who enjoy Bud. The show is funny and dead on target in its glimpse at middle-class middle American suburbia from hell. But, sorry, "Buffy" conquers the "Hill" in the battle for our short attention spans (even if the "Slayer" runs a full hour). Not only does it have more to offer - humor, action, drama, horror - "Buffy" also features the babe-alicious Sarah Michelle Gellar. Repeat it like a mantra if you have to. Š The producers of "Frasier" have given NBC the new sitcom "Encore! Encore!" (8:30 p.m.) - a show about a self-absorbed uppity twit who moves back to live with his much older parent and gets into pissing matches with his sibling. The setup's fine, EXCEPT IT'S ALREADY CALLED "FRASIER!" Š In the tradition of over-hyped shows like "Dawson's Creek," the WB offers another annoying coming-of-age drama entitled "Fellatio," "Felicity," whatever (9 p.m.). It's been billed as "Ally McBeal Goes to College" but I have better suggestions: How about "Ally McBeal Goes to Saudi Arabia and Becomes a Sex Slave"? Or "Ally McBeal Goes Jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge"? Better still, "Ally McBeal Goes to Hell." Š Two returning shows, ABC's "Spin City" and NBC's "Just Shoot Me" occupy the 9-to-9:30 p.m. slot. Flip a coin, they're both entertaining diversions. Š On the cable end of things, there's MTV's "Real World" (10 p.m.). The seventh-season incarnation of the real-life soap opera/experiment, now set in Seattle, is as predictable as ever. But the people are colorful and fake as ever and the show is incredibly addictive.

WEDNESDAY: The only real reason to watch TV this night is for the sick, twisted, hilarious "South Park" on Comedy Central (10 p.m.). Some fans say it's already getting lame. They're wrong. Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the show's creators are still doing things unimaginable on TV once before. Some of the most recent highlights: Mr. Hanky the talking poo has magically conjured a shit storm from the city's sewers; the crude flatulent cartoon team of Terence Philip have dealt with the pain of ass cancer; and Cartman continues to be the angriest, nastiest, and - as Chef might say - the most fudged up lil' cracker ever. Š A big surprise: "The Upright Citizens Brigade," the show after "South Park," is turning out to be quite hilarious. It's a skit-comedy show that centers around a secretive, almost omnipotent organization whose job is simply to cause chaos in the world. They do so by somehow intervening or disrupting the lives of ordinary folk. The skits touch upon the mundane and usual, and add a manic twist. For example, there was one skit about a typical touchy-feely support group - for ugly people. In it, an unattractive male cross-dresser convinces the group that one of its female members really is ugly because she was hemmed in by the "human" standards for beauty -- when she was probably just a talking ape and those standards wouldn't apply anyway. Not every skit is funny but so far, the UCB's batting average is pretty good. Š There's a new show on WB called "Charmed" (9 p.m.) about three sisters in San Francisco who discover they are powerful witches. It stars real-life babe Allyssa Milano (thumbs up) and real-life rhymes-with-'witch' Shannen Doherty (thumbs down) and one episode I caught was intriguing, somewhat entertaining. Give it a chance, it has the potential to be another fun show about the supernatual, a la "Buffy." Š "Newsradio," the perpetually underrated sitcom returns, this time without the late, great Phil Hartman (NBC, 9:30 p.m.). A few episodes into this season and the show is still funny, not as wacky as before, but funny. Jon Lovitz has joined the cast as a news reader to replace Hartman and it's obvious it'll take a while before we'll warm up to his character. Š The WB teen hit "Dawson's Creek" returns (8 p.m.). The coming-of-age show (there's that term "coming of age" again) would be a whole lot better if it had vampires. Skip it. Š Final note: "Star Trek: Voyager" returns for its - yawn - fifth season (UPN, 9 p.m.). The show was momentarily exciting last season when they added that hella fine Borg lady to the crew. Now it's tiresome. Set phasers on kill.

THURSDAY: The most glaring change from last season is that there's no more "Seinfeld." In its place in the 9 p.m. slot is "Frasier," which has also been a crowd and critic favorite for its smart wit, and adeptness at great dialogue and top-notch physical comedy. So far this season, so-so. Let's hope it gets better. Š ABC offers a new revenge drama at 8 p.m., "Vengeance Unlimited," starring Michael Madsen, making it a sorta "Equalizer" meets "Reservoir Dogs." Madsen plays Mr. Chapel, a brooding, mysterious, beefy mofo who exacts revenge against bad people who got off with a slap on the wrist. I watched bits of it and found it silly. Not even funny in a "let's waste an hour for the heck of it" kinda way. Š Returning is that annoying show about six white twentysomethings who live in gorgeous spacious apartments, "Friends" (8 p.m.). However, after being hot and cold over the past few seasons, "Friends" is back on top again, funny as ever. Lisa Kudrow shows us why her ditsy Phoebe won her a supporting actress Emmy a few months ago. Courtney Cox and Matthew Perry's characters have engaged in a secret love affair that's proving fodder for lots of this season's humor. The show's fine comic form means I'll be there for you, "Friends." Š Following that show at 8:30 p.m. is "Jesse," starring Christina Applegate as a single mom. Sandwiched between "Friends" and "Frasier" means this will be a ratings winner, but should you check it out? The theme song is a catchy pop hit. Beyond that, I'd give it a few episodes before deciding. Š If sitcom fare is not your taste, Fox has "World's Wildest Police Videos" at 8 p.m., which I admit is a guilty pleasure of mine. There's nothing like watching a bunch of dumb-ass criminals getting nabbed by cops. Lately, Fox has been airing "Guinness World Records Primetime" (9 p.m.), which is entertaining in a "That's Incredible" kind of way. The show recently featured the world's largest tumor to be removed from a person (300 pounds! And they found teeth in it!), once again proving that the best TV not only entertains, but thoroughly disgusts us too. Š I'd be remiss if I didn't diss "ER" so here goes: That muthaf-----' overrated show that glorifies doctors is back again (10 p.m.). George Clooney must die!

FRIDAY: We can still enjoy a numbing episode of the depression inducing "Millenium" (Fox, 9 p.m.), followed by the gritty, grimy hardcore "Homicide: Life on the Street" (NBC, 10 p.m.). Now, however, CBS has put the swing back into Friday nights with the refreshing "Buddy Faro" (9 p.m.). The detective show is a step away from the serious fare we've come to expect from crime shows. The wonderful Dennis Farina plays the title character, a Rat Pack-era dick who disappeared from Hollywood in the 1970s. He's brought back into private investigation by Bob Jones (played by Frank Whaley), a young gun who becomes not only a protιgι but a guide through this strange new world. It's light, it's fun, and the music's great (lots of Sinatra-style lounge fare). I'm a sucker for the Rat Pack so I was smitten with the show since the pilot aired. The first three episodes have held up to their own. Give it a shot. Š UPN has "The Love Boat: The Next Wave" (9 p.m.), which was a mid-season replacement from earlier this year. Let's hope this lame ship sinks soon. Š There's always the intense and well-executed "Homicide." Emmy-winning actor Andre Bragher's hard-headed homicide detective Frank Pembleton has left the show and his shoes are filled by Giancarlo Esposito's hard-headed FBI agent Mike Giardello. He plays the estranged son of homicide chief Al Giardello (Yaphet Kotto) who's living in Baltimore after taking a leave from the bureau. Also joining the talented ensemble is Michele Michael, a former beauty queen turned cop (HmmmmŠ). The first episode was good, not great. Let's hope it gives us a reason to wish for an eighth season of low ratings (Then again, it hardly has disappointed in the past.).

SATURDAY: Because we love watching white trash getting busted for domestic disturbances, we recommend "Cops" at 8 p.m. on Fox (although "World's Wildest Police Videos" on Thursday has a fresher, funkier feel to the genre). The all-new all-different "Fantasy Island" starring Malcolm McDowell is refreshing because it is more clever, darker, more tightly plotted than the Ricardo Montalban version (ABC, 9 p.m.). That was the first episode; after that, you're on your own. "Saturday Night Live" (NBC, 11:30 p.m.) is good for a laugh or two, and it has new cast members. Most notably, there's Horatio Sanz, the show's first Latino member, although he'll probably be most remembered as SNL's New Fat Guy. "The Howard Stern Radio Show" (most CBS affiliates, 11:30 p.m.) has injected some new life into Saturday nights, although this version is just a rehash of his E! cable show (the usual guest fare: brave celebrities, nude women, a guy who farted 400 times on the air). Š The real revelation on Saturday nights is the kung fu cop show "Martial Law" (CBS, 9 p.m.), starring Hong Kong film star Sammo Hung. The heavy set, middle-aged Chinese actor is the most unlikely of TV heroes and his show is thoroughly entertaining in a cartoon sort of way. Hung, a colleague of Jackie Chan's and a veteran of films in his native land, plays Sammo Law, a Shanghai cop who's fighting crime in LaLa-Land as part of an exchange program. He's joined by two LAPD cops (Tammy Lauren and Louis Mandylor) and his protιgι (played by the gorgeous Kelly Hu). The show is an excuse to showcase Hung's knack for senseless but entertaining kung fu hand- and footwork. The plots are standard cop fare but the action and humor in between makes it worthwhile. Hung is TV's best fat guy (My dream is to have Buddy Faro and Sammo Law crack some heads in L.A. in some crossover episodes).

SUNDAY: The only reason to care about this night is "The X-Files," which will certainly answer all those leftover questions from the big-screen version that hit theaters last summer (Fox, 9 p.m.). For those of you still resisting the lure of this show, let's just repeat what you're missing: Overall, it's the best drama on TV, combining sci-fi, horror, dark humor, a conspiratorial paranoia that borders on deranged, a fine cast of actors, smart writing, creepy and intense music, and dark and foreboding cinematography. A little something to kick off the work week with. Š The only new show this night we care about is "That '70s Show" (Fox, 8:30 p.m.), from the team behind "Third Rock from the Sun." Although that era is an easy target for humor, this show boasts a likable, attractive cast of kids, and some fun storylines that revolve around the mundane (getting a job at a burger joint, trying to sneak beer past parents, etc.).

ALSO NOTEWORTHY: One of the funniest shows on TV is Comedy Central's "The Daily Show" (Monday through Thursday, 11 p.m.), a news pardoy show that digests the day's goings-on into bite-sized chunks of gut-busting humor. Craig Kilborn has hosted "TDS" for almost two years now and has the comic timing and the right touch of smarminess to pull it off (The tall, lanky, boyish Kilborn toiled as a sports anchor on ESPN previously, as well as doing sports broadcast gigs nationwide before doing "The Daily," as he often calls it). He's leaving the show in mid-December to become host of Tom Snyder's late-night chatter on CBS, "The Late Late Show." Comedian Jon Stewart will replace him but I suspect the show won't have the same flavor. So catch it, daily, while you still can.

Jason Lloren watches a lot of TV, even when he's on the Internet. He thinks he needs professional help.